The Diary of an Old Man
by Jack of Chocolate
Summary: Lord [Ashley] Voldemort gets a diary.


Coleslaw

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A/N: Finally! A Harry Potter fanfiction! Okay, I noticed that there were a lot of fanfictions about the character's diary. So, I decided to write one myself. This doesn't have much of a plot, but oh well. This is the diary of Lord "Ashley" Voldemort, and it's rather strange. You'll see what he hates and likes (not that he likes a lot of things), and his opinioin on things. And later in this chapter you'll realize why the title is "Coleslaw." Well, enjoy!

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Dear Diary,

You stupid waste of trees/papers. You do not deserve my presence. But, nonetheless, Draco had recommended me of getting a diary. So now, I have to waste MY precious (meaning evil) planning of Harry Potter's downfall. Right now, I am… I do not know where I am. Alas, I have to write things down this muggle item.

Do not expect me write down any secrets of evil domination and sorts. I am merely taking the advice from my faithful servant whom I appreciate greatly. I am rather literate, so all of my grammar will be perfect. Because I am perfect, of course. I mean, look at this noseless beauty!

So, I have conditions to discuss. You should not talk of anything I write in here, while I grace you with my presence. As long as I'm not being "Punk'd" or anything, I won't kill more than a 100 people. No one knows of you ever existing in the possession of me. That is because I am too powerful and beautiful for these petty manners. Currently I do not know where I am. It seems like a cell of some sort with BRIGHT white walls.

If you were ever to get lost, or be discovered by the public eye, my reputation will be ruined. So, you shall loyally follow me to where I go, and not ask questions of my opinions. Far as it goes, I don't remember what has happened today. Only bits of memories linger in my ingenious mind.

There were people passing by me. This one muggle (who dared to even approach me!) tried to entrap my beauty within a strange white robe of some sort. I thought it was used to keep me warm, but I realized I couldn't move my arms. Then I ripped it off with great strength, and Avada Kedavra-ed his weak body. He was taken away along with the evil robe. So now they are leaving me alone. They fear me.

_Insert evil and/or maniacal laughter -here -_

I have absolutely no clue (not that it means that I am stupid, because I am most definitely NOT!) what this place is for. All I remember is that there was some coleslaw and I tried to coax the disgusting thing into eating itself. Then some people around me held an apparatus of some sort to their ear. They spoke into it and a few hours later these large obnoxiously white cars came. It had bright flashy lights (which were hurting my eyes) and annoying loud sounds. Then the people inside these things took me away.

Then I suppose I ended up here. How dare they TOUCH me? Hum. I wonder when little Draky is picking me up. I must inform him somehow.

_Lord "Ashley" Voldemort looks around to find that food has been delivered. The tray consists of coleslaw, with coleslaw-shake and some coleslaw napkins. Oh, and some sporks made out of coleslaw._

They gave me more of those foods I found on the street! I deserve to be treated like royalty, and I won't accept this!

_Lord "Ashley" Voldemort sighs, and nonetheless reaches for the food. He chews loudly and then spits it back out with revulsion._

This is HORRIBLE!

_Lord "Ashley" Voldemort fumbles around for the napkin, and wipes his mouth of its nauseating contents. Sadly, he finds the napkin to be made of coleslaw as well. He hurls the napkin into the air and Avada Kedavra-s it._

I know it would be stupid to ask a diary about my personal issues, but why are the NAPKINS made of this disgusting thing? Muggles who treat their overlord in such a way shall be punished. Perhaps a bit of milkshake would solve this problem.

_Lord "Ashley" Voldemort quickly grabs the cup of said "milk" shake and drinks it greedily. He seems almost happy for a moment then spits of the coleslaw-shake. Then he bounces of the walls. LITERALLY. Then he settles after a bit of bouncing, reaching for the diary once more._

This is ridiculous. I do not deserve to be here! I must escape from the deadly grasp of this dreaded place. It is almost like going to through puberty all over again!

Well, I must take my leave of these muggles who may claim to have control over me. I fare thee well until I take another quill and write again.

Your Mastermind,

Voldemort

_Lord "Ashley" Voldemort quickly gets up and looks around the pallid room. He kicks the coleslaw with abhorrence and examines the room. He then bumps into the rather cushioned wall, and bounced off. Then he tried again, which causes the same result. After awhile, Draco approaches the cell. He had come along with Lucius, his father. The two watched their lord bumping against the wall. The blond looks at his father and whispers, "Daddy, he's finally cracked!" _

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A/N: What did you think of it? Was it bad? Was it good? Was it totally OBNOXIOUS? Don't just mumble at the computer! Tell me in a review! 


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